Monday, April 12, 2010

Spank You Very Much

If you have lost a nice chunk of weight--especially after having a child--you know all about the SKIN issues. Let's be completely honest with one another: having a baby is ugly business--at least for the epidermis. If you feel like you know me a little bit, you understand that I am not one for excessive vanity. I did not have a baby because I thought it would make me look cute, but common ladies!! At least warn a girl about the skin expansion! It's like time-lapse photography of continental drift from space. Or images of the melting ice-caps from a computer-generated global warming video. My skin is slowly eaten away by the polluted fat until I am one, big, blue, stretch-mark ball.

Despite the apparent bitterness, I am starting to forgive all of the skinny people I used to hate--as if they personally attacked my blood-relatives--(skinny brats, Marathon Barbie, and other epithets). But I will not EVER, never, forgive the people who say, "Oh, um, I don't know if I'm just different, but I didn't get ANY stretch marks when I was pregnant/gained weight/growing up." That is just plain mean! It feels like someone who says, "I have never liked fried food," or, "I wish I could eat more, but I'm just always so, like, full."

Even though I have lost quite a few inches and pounds, I have not lost the SKIN. The bulk is replaced by misplaced flaps and odd-looking rolls. A couple days ago I was drooling over a SPANKS catalogue--you know reasonable-sized celebrities aren't just magically flat under their clothes, they wear SPANKS. I really, really wanted to order a few things just to smooth out my silhouette. They were too pricey for my current situation, so I went to ROSS and found the comparable "Shapewear." I got a nice black pair of biker-short things that pulled all the way to my bra. They were size large, but they looked like they could fit my daughter's baby doll. It's amazing how they can make fabric quadruple in size. If only my skin was made the same way--what a mean trick. I was nervous about feeling like I couldn't breathe--but they were very reasonable. Have you ever heard the stories of nineteenth-century ladies fainting in church from their restrictive whale-bone corsets? The underwear people have advanced a lot since then, luckily for me. It worked out nicely and gave me smooth lines to wear a fitted, flattering dress. Just the perfect little accent to a shrinking waist-line.


  1. hey bina. it's tiff. be patient with that skin. as you lose more weight, some of it should shrink down. and the more muscle you have underneath, the more tight it will become. so don't get too down and feel like it won't ever improve. it should with time and weight training.

  2. for real... i am dealing with this problem right now!


  3. Those spank things sound cool - do you think they would work on a pregnant body to help smooth my back fat? Do they make you really hot and sweaty?

  4. ahhhhhhh!!!! I hate it when you're eating dinner with really skinny girls and you finish your plate and then the girl is looks down and her plate is still full after an hour and she's like, "Oh my gosh it was so much food!!! I'm so full! How did everyone finish?? I can't eat anymore." AHHHHHH. I think that just might be one of my biggest pet peeves! :P

  5. Ha! yes, stretch marks, skin flaps, all the joys of bearing children. I have a few saggy rolls that hang over my jeans. If I am busy with something Lily will sometimes come up from behind and hit the rolls and giggles when she sees them giggle. ha!

  6. Tiffany, you are always so supportive and positive in your responses, thank you, and I will try to be patient with the skin

    Becca-I think they do have one's for pregnant ladies.

    Sonia-I hear you, sooo irritating

    Cathy-I used to stand behind mom and bounce her love handles and chant "My mommy, My mommy," for at least five minutes. It's amazing she didn't turn around and swat me with that rice-pilaf spatula

  7. I have the same problem with my stretched out skin, it feels like bread dough!! If i ever lose all my weight, IF I DO, I told my husband that HE WILL pay for me to have a tummy tuck! He got me pregnant and fat in the first place he has to be prepared to help undo a lot of ugliness that has taken place on my body, oh and on top of that, a little clipping and snipping, and pulling and lifting around my "monstrosities" will have to be taken care of as well!

  8. bina, you're alright.

    it's funny, juju has a little junk in her trunk... but she wears her bathing suit w/ her rollerblads, no problemo. oh to be 8 again and not care about cellulite!!