Thursday, December 31, 2009

Hello My name is Christina and I'm a Fastfoodaholic

I love McDonalds, yes the one where they don't even cook the meat they just pull it out of a hot drawer, and where they have sugar mixed in with the salt shaker for the fries (so that’s why I feel the urge every day all day to eat McyD's French fries). I hear a lot of people say, "Oh man I feel so sick I just ate a huge Big Mac and fries." They feel like they have a brick in their stomach and I say No no, that is not a grease brick you are feeling, that is LOVE, the love that only comes from indulging in a beautifully factory crafted golden arches meal, ahhh daydreaming... Although Burger King has just taken it too far, they have come up with FUNNEL CAKE STICKS, ugh how COULD you!!? Great, that’s just great, my favorite carnival food accessible from a drive-through window, and you don’t even need a fork to eat it, they have already broken it up into sticks!! Talk about target marketing the morbidly obese.

Another SNL skit illustrates the sheer gall of fast food restaurants in tempting my weak weak self.

Give me your fat jokes!!

I really like Jeff Foxworthy and he has a famous segment he uses called "You know you're a redneck if..." I want to do the same thing but with fat jokes. "You know you're fat when." So, give me your best and I will post them at the top of my page.

Is that an earthquake, or...?

The floor of our new 100-year old house has a crack in the foundation all down the length, and in some places it feels like standing on a very flat triangle, in fact my little girl's bed sits on a tilt--But when you are trying to burn extra calories while watching Billy Blanks Tae Bo Kickboxing DVD, that extra quivering of the house doesn’t help my exercise motivation. "Oh the house is shaking, that’s ok, I'll just keep kicking my tornado legs in the air." Agh. It is kind of nice though to exercise behind closed doors, well lets be honest, and closed curtains, closed blinds--ALL must be closed when someone of my stature wakes up in the wee hours to Kick the air in my underwear ("thanks for the image", sorry, I know). Even though I am all alone and my babygirl is sleeping I find that as I give all my strength to a right roundhouse that makes it about 4 inches from the ground, I look over my shoulder...Did anyone see me do that? No, but I know someone is watching, waiting, plotting, to capture the PERFECT moment when my booty-lite (that’s butt cellulite) shakes at just the right angle. They will zoom in horrifically close, and post my plight on You Tube for all the world to see. Oh the paranoia of getting fit.

But you know what helps? I can get my arms a little tighter, my legs a little more balanced when I imagine I am kicking and punching an image of a well-highlighted skinny head saying "I love exercise, it just feels so great, doesn’t it?" Hi YAAA, take that BIMBO, and as long as she is the target of my cellu-rath, house shake on, shake on.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

If lettuce were my comfort food

I get cravings a lot, but not for healthy things--come on, who says, "Hey, ya know I’m feeling kind of blue I think I'll curl up on the couch with a huge bowl of cold lettuce, yeah, YEAh that will make me feel better!" No, no I am not one to cry in my diet coke, I like to cry in my filled mug of double cream hot chocolate with a candy cane stirrer, whip topping and a cherry on top! It would be great to be like "Man I would KILL for a veggie platter with fat free ranch dressing right now!" Or lament "Aghh, who ate all of the whole wheat cardboard bread, now all that's left for my sandwich is this disgusting wonder bread Texas toast, Geeez!" Nope, I love fatty, fried, sugar, chocolate, lardy, delicious foods with lots of butter, judge me if you must but you KNOW deep down you love all the good stuff too! So I thought perhaps I would get some of the cravings out of my system by indulging them, for instance, the other day I really really wanted some chocolate mint brownies. (you're thinking GARSH, she sure has a lot of weird cravings. Is she pregnant? No, she is not pregnant, SHE IS HUMAN) So I made me a batch of chocolate mint brownies, and sure enough I am sick to death of them. So if I go down the list of all of my naughty cravings, one by one, and eat each one until I am sick of it, then...THEN....oh dear...then I will be writing a blog about how my poor bones can no longer support the weight of my thunder hips. Perhaps I should develop a taste for lettuce after all. 

See SNL Lettuce skit, I apreciate this

In the cover of darkness

QUACK QUACK QUACK---was the lovely noise I woke up to this morning thanks to my husband’s new "asleep" ap on his I phone. It was A little bit jarring, but effective, who knew an electronic duck would help me get my butt in motion!! I decided 6 am is the best time, I have tried every other time of day and if it is not first thing in the morning--it is NEVER. Also I love the cool dark air, but mostly the darkness because then I don’t have to look people in the eye as I jingle all the way. I like to avoid the "hello" and "morning" 'cause there is only enough air in my lungs to focus on not dying. Do you ever see those ladies out running who look like they just came back from the glamour shots booth? No thanks, I’ve got my stained bright red pajama pants, a PTA shirt from my nephew’s school, a greasy pony, and the cover of darkness, take THAT Marathon Barbie!! But ouch, these new shoes hurt, my feet are so much more used to the flat, ripped FILA sandals from 8th grade--who knew that arch support could hurt!?

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

"Tattoo Goals" and The New Years Curse

You know how getting a tattoo of a significant other is a no no, a bad omen, a sure sign of doom--that's how I feel about new years resolutions, lots of good intentions but very little really happens. This is what I call the "Tattoo goal." I say to myself this is official, this is my goal that will be written in ink forever on the page dated January 1 of my journal to be revered as the first day of the rest of my goal achieving life! yikes. I have so many memories of reading in old journal entries the LONG lists of things that will make NEXT year better, usually it provides a good laugh instead of a reminder of the specific January first when my life changed. I really do want this time to be different, so I am starting this blog on December 29--without being TATTOOED on this January 1st.

I am hopeful for this next year and the years to because you will make the difference weather I start on July 4th or Columbus day. Knowing that I am not alone in this quest to be healthy gives me hope, so thanks! Ive got my new New Balance shoes and they are perfectly white. I hope to make them the most abused, used and tortured running shoes in my life--lets be honest they will be carrying my around at my current weight ahhhh.